


White Noise

by heygaymayday



Category: The Last of Us, The Last of Us (Video Games), The Last of Us Part II - Fandom
Genre: Angst, BAMF Ellie (The Last of Us), Bloaters (The Last of Us), Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Clickers (The Last Of Us), F/F, Hurt Ellie (The Last of Us), Hurt/Comfort, POV Ellie (The Last of Us), Slow Romance, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25193242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heygaymayday/pseuds/heygaymayday
Summary: "No matter how you turn the dials, try to fix the antenna, it's just......white noise."
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie/Cat
Comments: 78
Kudos: 600





	1. Be Honest, Doc

Ellie heaved against the downed filing cabinet, but it didn't budge. What the hell was in this thing? Rocks? Filing cabinets were stupid anyway. _Oh, look at me, I need a special metal box for all my damn papers that won't mean anything when the world ends._ So stupid.

"Dina--give me a hand." 

There was the faint sound of footsteps padding over the concrete, and then Dina sidled in close beside her, pushing her full weight against the special metal box. Their combined effort caused the thing to groan faintly before finally lifting up and out of the way.

Ellie gave it a final shove, just to show it who was boss. _Fuck you, filing cabinet._

"You know, I-- _whoa_ ," Dina said softly, ducking through the shattered glass door of the newly accessible shop.

Ellie followed close behind her.

It was small and dim inside, but the shelves were still packed tight with dusty pencil sets and palettes of watercolor paint; bins overflowed with forgotten vine charcoal and graphite sticks; stacks of sketchbooks stood waiting and ready. The roof had given way in the back corner; rain damage had left some things moldy, and long tendrils of ivy were creeping along a cracked wall, but otherwise it wasn't hard to imagine what this place might have been like twenty-odd years ago.

Ellie stopped in front of a poster still tacked tightly to a wall. It showed a faded color wheel, as well as a thorough series of diagrams showing...something. How to pair the colors, it seemed like. Complex ways of laying them out throughout a composition. There was a whole section on how to use grays as a bridge between colors. Ellie had never thought of it that way before. She could have spent a long time looking at that poster.

"Excuse me, ma'am," Dina said, swiping a dented tin of chalk pastels from a shelf; she approached Ellie with stiff shoulders and a raised chin, "Do you work here? You do, great, that's great--should I get these chalk pastels, or the oil pastels? Also, what the hell is a _pastel_?"

Ellie rolled her eyes and grabbed the pastels, stuffing them into her backpack.

"Can you keep it down?" She hissed at Dina, throwing a glance over her shoulder, past the broken door and out into the street; but Cat was still perched languidly on the roof of the rusted old sedan, scribbling into a notebook, headphones over her ears, seemingly still unaware of what they'd found, or the true purpose of the day's outing.

"Well, you're no fun--why are we keeping it down?" Dina huffed.

"Because this is kind of a...like a shopping trip," Ellie explained, returning to the shelves, "Cat's birthday is next week and Ben told me about this art supply store, so…"

"So you brought me along to shop for your girlfriend's birthday present?" Dina sounded distinctly put-out.

"What's wrong with that?" Ellie scoffed, preoccupied with the sheer volume of supplies; she knew _art shit_ was low on the priority list in terms of survival, but she never imagined she'd find so much all in one place.

"Nothing," Dina said sharply behind her, and then she added, "But you know you're not supposed to bring the person you're shopping _for_ , right? Why would you bring Cat along to shop for her own gift?"

Ellie shrugged, and mumbled, "She doesn't like being left behind. Didn't want me to go without her or...y'know, whatever."

" _Clingy_ ," Dina muttered in a voice clearly loud enough for Ellie to hear.

"Hey," Ellie said defensively, "Sometimes clingy is, y'know...it's nice." The words were harder to say than she had anticipated. 

"Oh, please…" Dina scoffed in a tone that was annoyingly superior and above-it-all, "You're so _not_ into that clingy shit. You don't have to lie to me about it." 

"Yeah, well," Ellie snapped, turning around to face Dina, "At least I know she likes me. At least she doesn't play any stupid games about it." 

Dina looked taken aback, and Ellie immediately felt guilty for being so annoyed and defensive--especially because Dina had been right. Ellie was decidedly _not_ into that clingy shit. 

But it stung, somehow, that Dina knew it. Could see it. Could see straight through her, no matter what she did or how she tried to fight it. Even when she wanted to be a wall, when it came to Dina she might as well have been a pane of fucking glass. 

It wasn't fair. It really wasn't. 

Especially because it meant Dina knew. 

She had to, didn't she? 

She had to know what Ellie really meant. 

"You're right," Dina said quietly, suddenly subdued and serious, "It's not my business. I'm sorry." 

Ellie gave a strained sigh, annoyed and embarrassed and already desperately wanting to ignore that this exchange had ever happened.

"Don't be sorry," She mumbled, grinding the toe of her canvas sneaker into the dusty tile floor, "I mean...yeah, sometimes it gets to be, like... _a lot_ , but--" 

Dina began to laugh, that barely suppressed kind of giggle that made her whole stupid face light up in that stupid way that made Ellie feel some kind of really stupid feeling. 

"I knew it," Dina laughed, no longer even trying to suppress it, "I can see it all over you every time the two of you are together."

She took a step forward and pressed heavily against Ellie's side, wrapped both her arms around one of Ellie's. And all at once, the art supply store became unbearably warm.

" _Oh, Ellie, I just can't bear to be parted from you_ ," Dina feigned a wilting, desperate voice and Ellie thought about pulling away. She really thought about it. 

" _It's just too much_ ," Dina went on, still clinging dramatically to the sleeve of Ellie's coat, " _\--oh, don't cross the room without me, Ellie, I need you, why would you leave me here all by myself on this side of the room? Don't you love me?"_

Ellie pulled away at last, her indignation finally overriding...whatever that other feeling might have been. Something too complicated to try to put a name to right now. But her face still felt painfully hot and she hoped Dina hadn't noticed. 

"It's not like that…" Ellie insisted, then paused before reluctantly adding, "...all the time. You just haven't even given her a chance." 

But Dina seemed much less concerned or interested now; she had gone back to browsing the shelves, still laughing at her own antics. 

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Dina brushed her off, "So what are we looking for, exactly? Half of this stuff is just basically burnt sticks? You art people are pretty weird." 

Ellie couldn't help but grin a little, just a little. She wasn't sure she really qualified as an _art person_ , since she hardly ever felt like anything she made counted as _art_ , but it was nice to think that maybe she could be an art person. Someday. 

Maybe it was just nice, sometimes, to know she could be good at something other than _shooting and stabbing._ That maybe there was something more to her, something beyond just _enduring and surviving._

"Uh--I don't really know," She admitted after a moment, "I wasn't sure what would even be in here. It's getting harder and harder to find stuff with color, so maybe anything like that? Colored pencils and shit, I guess." 

" _Colored pencils and shit_ ," Dina repeated, "Gotcha. At least there's a lot here to choose from. Kinda weird, honestly. Why is there still so much here…?" 

"I dunno," Ellie shrugged as she stuffed several more packages of supplies into her backpack, "Colored pencils probably weren't in high demand after the, y'know...fucking apocalypse."

"Yeah, but--" 

A shuffling sound caught their attention at exactly the same time; Ellie's hand flew to the pistol at her side, to the comfort of cool, firm steel underneath her fingertips. 

But it was just Cat, pulling her headphones down as she ducked into the dusty store. Her eyes got wide beneath the fringe of her dark bangs as she took in the contents of the place. And, sure, maybe Dina was right, maybe sometimes Ellie wondered if Cat liked her too much, but seeing the bloom of joy across the other girl's face made those concerns seem impossibly distant. 

Ellie and Dina exchanged uncertain glances, frozen for a second, not entirely sure how to proceed now that they were caught. 

"Uh--surprise!" Ellie said quickly, "Happy birthday, Cat." 

Cat grinned and rushed to throw her arms around Ellie, who staggered a step at the impact. 

"Oh, my God, this is amazing," Cat declared close to Ellie's ear, "Ellie, _you're_ amazing." 

Dina gave a dramatic eye roll that only Ellie could see.

Cat and Ellie spent several minutes browsing the shelves together, talking over the possibilities, the things they could do with these kinds of supplies. They even found some pre-stretched canvases stacked in a corner. The larger ones were a little saggy in the middle, sure, but they were salvageable. Dina milled about casually, but kept a firm and deliberate distance that Ellie appreciated and yet found annoying all at the same time. Dina seemed to have that effect on her quite often. 

Cat dragged some of those large canvases back toward the door, to be loaded onto the horses when they were done. 

With them out of the way, Ellie could make out what looked like the door to a supply closet. Or maybe an inventory room. 

The horizontal silver handle was covered in a fine layer of dust. 

An inventory room could mean even more inventory. It might not be worth the risk, because who knew what might be in there, but...she had to check it out.

With one hand on her gun, she reached out and tried the handle of the door. It gave a soft, metallic _click_. 

The door inched inward, revealing only a solid black sliver of nothing. 

This feeling should have gotten old by now, this rushing of blood in her ears, the tingle of cold sweat at her temple, and yet here it was again. 

She strained her ears, listening for any sound of infected, but there was nothing. 

She pushed against the door, against the smooth wood that wasn't really wood at all, just some fake, processed veneer shit or something, just a reminder of the aesthetic fads once held by people who had time for aesthetic fads and-- 

She felt the rushing of air before anything else, felt it and knew she was fucked. 

It shoved through the door and was on her in a fraction of a second, staggering her with the impact. It was all sound and fury, flailing limbs and ear-shattering screams she could feel down in the center of her bones. The knotted fingers closed over the sleeve of her upraised forearm like iron and tried to rip it away, tried to make a path for the only part of its face that still functioned: that sucking, screaming hole filled with gnashing, yellow teeth. 

Its jaws snapped so close to her face that she could smell the gushing, rancid breath, like mold and wet dirt and decaying human flesh. 

Where there ought to have been eyes there was instead a series of bone-pale fungal plates exploding from its skull, stacked and fanned and growing in a very specific kind of orderly chaos. 

She reached for her gun again as it screeched and swung its heavy, plated head wildly, jagged teeth searching for the soft, vulnerable flesh of her throat. 

But she didn't feel scared, really _scared_ , until she felt her foot catch against something in the floor. Until she felt herself falling, falling with this thing on top of her, this tangled mass of bone and teeth and rage. 

And in that instant of painfully pure terror, she called out: 

" _DINA."_

Almost instantly, there was the low crack of a revolver being fired, and a section of the boney plates on the thing's head exploded, so close to her face she could feel the shower of shards. 

But it still had a hold of her arm and continued to snap its teeth, apparently unfazed by the loss of, like, half its damned head. 

A second shot, the wet splatter of something thick and more brown than red, and finally the thing collapsed, dead. Or as dead as one of those things can be. 

In the next instant, Dina was dragging the thing off of Ellie, dropping to her knees beside her in the floor, desperately patting every inch of Ellie's clothing. 

"Are you okay?" Dina asked urgently, "Did it get you? Ellie-- _ELLIE_ \--" 

Dina grabbed Ellie's face with both hands before Ellie even had a chance to respond. 

Dina looked intently down at her, more serious and scared than Ellie had seen her in a long time. Maybe ever. 

Dina's dark eyes desperately searched both of Ellie's and it was really stupid, just so dumb, that for a second it almost seemed worth it, getting mauled by a clicker. 

"I want you to know something, Dina," Ellie said hoarsely, and for a second Dina's gaze became even more concerned and intent, "I want you to know that I'm passing up a primo opportunity to play dead--" 

Dina rolled her eyes and released Ellie's face, opting instead to punch her shoulder. 

"What, I said I _wasn't_ going to play dead, even though it would be pretty funny--" 

"Yeah, well, next time I'm gonna let you become clicker kibble, just for the laughs--" 

Cat stood by the door, frozen, eyes wide with fear, still clutching an armful of supplies. 

"I'm okay," Ellie assured her, sitting up, "Banged my head is all." 

"I'd be worried if I thought you actually had a brain in there," Dina muttered, dusting herself off as she got to her feet, "You guys should finish up--we need to get out of here. Like, now." 

\--- 

Cat was quieter than usual on the ride back. Ellie could feel the other girl's arms wrapped tightly around her waist, but she hadn't said more than a few words since they'd loaded up the horses and started back. 

Even as the daylight began to wane and the foliage around them became darker and denser, Cat said nothing. 

Maybe she was just shaken up from the encounter with the clicker. Ellie wasn't sure. 

Dina rode a little ways ahead of them on the path, and when she thought the other girl was just out of earshot, she finally tried to pull some kind of conversation out of Cat. 

"I'm sorry the clicker kinda ruined your birthday surprise," She told Cat in a hushed voice, "I should have scoped it out a little better beforehand." 

"It was...a good birthday surprise," Cat affirmed haltingly, and Ellie felt Cat's arms tighten around her, just a little, "It was still a really good surprise. Thank you." 

"You don't have to thank me," Ellie said quickly, "You just...haven't said much, y'know. Kinda feels like you might be...I don't know, mad at me." 

"No," Cat said quickly, "No, I'm not mad at you, Ellie…" 

Ellie felt the other girl sigh tiredly, then rest her cheek against Ellie's back. It was the kind of easy comfortability that made Ellie feel pleasantly warm and peaceful. 

Cat had no reservations. No secrets. She loved without hesitation and Ellie admired that. Wished she could be more like that, sometimes. It had taken so long to be okay with these moments of physical affection, with these flashes of warm, unreserved contact. Sometimes she still had to talk herself into not flinching away, not because she didn't enjoy it but--well, she didn't know why. Something in her brain was just wired for it now, for running away. 

Ellie liked to think she was just tough and maybe charmingly detached but in the moments when she was really honest with herself, she had to wonder if she wasn't just really, really afraid. 

"Ellie…?" Cat's voice was quiet and slow, almost sleepy, "Why did you call for Dina, instead of me?" 

Ellie hesitated. Why _had_ she called for Dina? Well, Dina was a better shot. Was that all? Was that the whole reason? 

No. But-- 

Ellie was distracted from the question by the sight of Dina coming to halt on the path ahead of them. 

Ellie brought her own horse closer, until she saw him. 

A man standing on the path, blocking their way forward. 

Ellie felt her skin begin to crawl, begin to itch uncontrollably at the sight of the ski mask drawn down over his face. 

The blood rushed to her hands, her fingers ready to dash for the gun at her side. Behind her, she felt Cat sit up, become tense with fear. 

He had a gun, a revolver, held out at arm's length, and was pointing at the both of them in turn. Ellie looked to Dina, who raised a dark brow ever so slightly, questioning their play. 

"Y'all get down," The man demanded, his voice too low to be entirely natural, "Get on down from them horses and nobody's gotta get hurt." 

His hands shook. 

Ellie gave the slightest of nods to Dina.

Ellie let go of her reins, held her hands up, palms out. 

"Look, man, I don't know why you're out here, but there's a better way, you know…" Ellie tried not to look at Dina too hard as she spoke, so as not to give away the fact that Dina was already drawing a weapon on him, "We've got a community, you know--" 

"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled in a strained voice, "Get off the damned horse or--" 

A shot rang out from somewhere behind Ellie, too close--it left her ears ringing with a high-pitched whine. 

Near the feet of Dina's horse, the ground exploded, struck by a bullet. The world became chaos. Dina's horse, spooked by the bullet, reared violently; Ellie only just had time to register that the sudden movement had thrown Dina from the saddle, because another shot rang out, this time from the masked man's gun. 

Ellie dove from the saddle, dragging Cat with her and they both ran for the cover of the foliage at the side of the path. 

Ellie reached for her own gun only to find it was gone. Instead, Cat was clutching it in trembling hands. 

Ellie grabbed it back and scanned the path with the revolver raised...but the man in the mask was gone. Ellie stepped out of the overgrowth hesitantly, still looking for him, heart racing in her throat, but she couldn't see any sign of him. 

"Dina!" She called out next, "Dina, where are you?!" 

She was hit with the sickening possibility that he had taken Dina. What would she do, then? What if she had gotten Dina kidnapped, just for some colored pencils? 

"I'm here!" Dina called from nearby. 

Ellie rushed toward the sound. Dina was sprawled on the ground, clearly in pain. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Ellie murmered repeatedly, dropping down to Dina's side, "What's broken? Shit, Dina--" 

"Nothing's broken," Dina hissed between clenched teeth, "But...Ellie." 

And that was when Ellie saw it. 

The broken, jagged length of root impaling Dina's upper arm. 

Cold, unadulterated fear dropped into Ellie's stomach. 

"Be honest, doc," Dina tried to give a pained, half-hearted smile, "Am I totally fucked, or what?"


	2. It's a May-bee.

Ellie knew fear. She knew what it meant to be afraid. But this was something different. This was the kind of fear that stuck to the inside of your mouth, that made your throat swell up until you couldn't get a single fucking breath. 

"Holy  _ fuck,"  _ The words came out of her in a low, uncontrollable stream, "Jesus fucking Christ, oh my god--"

Her hands shook as she reached out toward the root jutting from Dina's arm, near the shoulder. There was blood. Dina's blood. Blooming, bright and sticky, across the brown canvas of her coat. Dina's fucking blood. Fuck. Ellie knew she had fucked up, she had fucked up by bringing them out here, had put them all at risk and now Dina's blood was rolling over the sleeve of her coat and dripping into the dark dirt.

"I'm not gonna lie," Dina rasped quietly, "Your bedside manner...it's not great."

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, Dina," Ellie took a deep breath, tried to hold onto the air, tried to use it to force out the fear and guilt and shame because none of that mattered right now, "Dina--I have to pull you off this thing."

Dina groaned, "I thought you might say that. C'mon, let's do it. Just do it."

Dina closed her eyes and Ellie tried to find the best way, the easiest way, the least painful way to lift her off this fucking root.

Silently, suddenly, Dina's hand found hers, closed over her fingers, hard. 

Ir was as close as Dina would ever get to admitting she was afraid.

And somehow that helped steady Ellie's nerves, made the steps ahead all the more clear. She knew what she needed to do, and how it needed to be done.

"I've got you," She assured Dina in a hushed voice, returning the pressure of Dina's fingers, "On the count of three, okay? Ready? One--"

Ellie pulled hard, and Dina's shoulder came free with a sickening, squelching sound. 

"Fuck you, you said three!" Dina protested loudly, clutching at the injured shoulder, "You're a fucking asshole, you know?"

Ellie was already pulling off her coat and the flannel overshirt underneath; she began unceremoniously ripping it into strips. 

"Takes one to know one," She began winding the strips tightly around Dina's shoulder, trying to staunch the flow of blood, "That makes you like an expert or something, right?"

"You're funny…" Dina gave a weak, pained laugh, "I like you."

"I want it in writing," Ellie tried to give a small grin as she tied off the final strip.

It was then that Cat reappeared, having corralled Japan and Shimmer, apparently. She was pale and her face was smudged and dirty, but she seemed unhurt. She led both horses by the reins. 

Ellie was ashamed to have almost forgotten about her in the chaos of the moment--but to be fair, Dina's situation was a little more pressing.

Moreover--Cat wasn't entirely blameless here, a fact that was slowly dawning on Ellie as she helped Dina to her feet.

"You take Japan," She told Cat curtly, "Dina and I will take Shimmer. Stay close, I don't know if that fucker is still around or not--"

For a second Cat seemed like maybe she wanted to argue about the arrangement, but then thought better of it. 

Which was good, because Ellie wasn't sure what she would say to Cat right now. Wasn't sure she could stop herself from saying terrible things she couldn't take back. 

\--

Ellie couldn't remember much about the ride back to Jackson. Just pushing through the deep, dark cold, Dina's hand gripping hers like iron. Dina, slipping in and out of consciousness as the bandages reached their saturation point. Dina's voice breaking the silence, unsteady and heavy with exhaustion.

_ "Tell me one of your jokes _ ,"  _ Dina had said, "A good one." _

_ Ellie hesitated, then replied quietly, "What do you call a bee who isn't sure he can make it to the party?" _

_ "W-what do you call him?" Dina asked. _

_ "A may-bee." _

_ Dina made a sound that was some mixture of amusement and pain. _

_ "That's so fucking dumb," She managed to say, and then, "Tell me another one." _

_ Ellie grinned despite herself, despite the cold, despite the pit of fear in her stomach.  _

She remembered the way that time began to lose meaning, began to stretch and lose shape as the evening turned to night, the night into something else, something deeper and darker.

_ How long had they been riding now? An hour? Ten? It was too dark to really know, and Ellie was mostly trusting Shimmer now, relying on the horse to know the way, to remember the familiar path.  _

_ Dina had been quiet too long, but Ellie was trying just to hold on to her, keep her in the saddle, keep her close. _

_ Ellie had never been the praying type. She could never find the distinction between a prayer and a wish, couldn't see a real difference, so it only made sense that both were bullshit.  _

_ But right now, plodding along in the dark, she did find a mantra, a desperate string of words repeating endlessly in her head: just let Dina be okay. _

_ "Ellie," Dina had gasped in a small, breathless voice, "Ellie, are you still there?" _

_ "I'm here," Ellie had answered, leaning forward, "I'm right here." _

She remembered finally seeing Jackson, glowing in the distance, remembered the speckles of light from dozens of flashlights and lanterns, scattered through the fields and hills outside the gates. Remembered the sound of their names being called.

She remembered Joel yelling at her as several people helped carefully pull Dina from the saddle. Joel, his face pale even in the moonlight, holding her by the shoulders, searching her face, saying too many words all at once. She couldn't understand him. The fear and exhaustion was too much.

She remembered Cat, quiet and ashen, picking up her blood-drenched hand.

_ "Ellie, c'mon," She'd said gently, "Let's go get some sleep. She's in good hands." _

_ But Ellie pulled away. _

Things were quieter now, here in the hospital. Or what amounted to a hospital here in Jackson. More like a large cabin, outfitted with a row of hospital beds. Not that Ellie minded. It seemed much warmer and more inviting than the sterile, impersonal pre-outbreak hospitals she had seen out in the world. 

Dina, medicated and properly bandaged now, had long since fallen asleep, but Ellie stayed there in the chair at her bedside, elbows on her knees, trying to figure out how things had gone so wrong. 

It was that guy in the mask. That fucker, hiding his face.

It was Cat, panicking and grabbing Ellie's gun, when Ellie and Dina were more than capable of taking that masked asshole. 

Maybe it was Ellie. Ignoring the rules. Ignoring her gut. Letting the situation spiral out of control. Bringing her friends down with her. She seemed to have a talent for that: bringing people down with her.

A door opened somewhere, and there was the sound of rushed footsteps on the floorboards. It was Jesse, looking windswept and panicked.

"Is she okay?" He demanded.

Ellie nodded, because speaking seemed beyond her right now. 

Jesse leaned over Dina's bed, reached out and touched her warm, flushed cheek. 

"Thank god," He murmured, mostly to himself, it seemed, "I'm glad you were there, looking out for her."

Ellie looked at the floor between her feet. Guilty. She shrugged.

"You should go get some sleep," He said, nodding toward the door, "I can, y'know... take over from here."

Ellie felt suddenly, deeply stupid. Of course,  _ Jesse  _ should be the one here at Dina's side. It was Jesse she would want to see when she woke up. It was Jesse she would want. She wanted Jesse. 

She got to her feet, rubbed the back of her neck.

"Yeah, sure," She said hoarsely, "Right. You're right."

And yet, she hesitated. Because it didn't feel right at all, leaving Dina like this--pale and bruised, her breathing shallow and delicate somehow. Vulnerable. 

She forced herself to take that first step away from the bed. When she looked back, Jesse was taking one of Dina's hands in both of his. 

She didn't belong here, but as she left she would have been lying if she'd said that each step didn't hurt a little more than the last.

\--

Ellie's sleep was disjointed and fitful. She wasn't sure if she'd been sleeping five minutes or five hours when she was awakened by a loud banging.

She sat straight up in her bed, knife in hand without even knowing she'd reached for it.

"Ellie!" Joel called from the other side of her door, "Wake up!"

She groaned and collapsed back into the bed.

"I mean it, Ellie!" He warned her firmly. 

She rolled her eyes but forced herself to her feet, scrubbing a hand over her face, trying to find her bearings. 

Pulled on the closest thing to clean clothes within reach. Went to the door, opened it up, blinked against the violent glare of sunlight.

Joel shouldered his way in, and she could tell he was still worked up just in the way he moved.

"Alright," He said in that Texas drawl; he pointed to the little couch along the far wall, "We're gonna sit down right there and you're gonna tell me exactly what happened last night."

"Can you just, like, go ahead and yell at me or whatever and be done?" She grumbled, "I'm fucking exhausted."

"I don't--I ain't here to  _ yell  _ at you," He said defensively, planting himself on the couch, "I mean--yeah, I wannna yell at you, 'cause you scared me half to death. Three o'clock in the mornin', no one's heard from you since the morning before--I didn't know what to think…" He trailed off, leaned heavily against his knees, and his voice got a little quieter as he went on, "Then Ben Porter, he tells me you went out looking for  _ art supplies _ , and you took  _ two  _ other kids with you."

Ellie leaned back against the wall, arms folded stubbornly over her chest, gaze glued to the dark wood grain pattern on the floor. 

"You scared me," He repeated flatly into the silence, "You scared me bad, kid."

She hugged herself a little tighter, still refusing to meet his eyes. She shrugged, unsure of what to do with the sincerity in his voice, with the waver in the words, with the way he looked suddenly  _ old _ , in a way he'd never been before.

Despite her frequent assertions that he was an  _ old man _ , Joel had never seemed truly  _ old  _ to her. Not like this. He was  _ old  _ like a tree, like a mountain, like the soil itself. He was just  _ there: _ immutable, unmoving, unfailing. 

But in that moment, she saw it for the first time. The lines around his eyes. The dust in his hair. The sagging of his shoulders. 

And she really, really hated it.

"I'm sorry," She muttered, and it came out sharper and more annoyed than she meant it, "It's not like I was trying to scare you or whatever. We woulda been fine if that fucker in the mask hadn't shown up."

He got very still, and his dark brows drew together in a deep, intent furrow. 

"What?" He asked, "There was a guy in a mask?"

"Yeah," Ellie said quickly, because talking about him reminded her just how fucking angry she still was over it, "Just jumped out of nowhere, ski mask pulled down over his face. Pointed a gun at us."

"What did he want?" Joel asked.

"Fuck if I know," Ellie said, no longer leaning against the wall, but pacing the short stretch of floor in front of the couch, "He wanted us to get down off the horses, and Dina and I were about to fuck him up, but then Cat grabbed my gun and tried to shoot him, but she just nearly shot Japan, and Dina got thrown, and--now we're here."

"Where did he go? After Dina got thrown?"

"I don't know. He fired a shot, but it didn't even come close to us? He was shaking even when he was just pointing the thing at us, so I guess I'm not surprised he couldn't shoot for shit. But then he ran off and I didn't see him again."

Joel studied her with intent silence, and she could almost hear him thinking.

"What?" She demanded.

"Why was he wearing a mask?" Joel asked, "We've seen robbers and hunters and stragglers, sure. Maybe he just wanted to steal from you guys. But why wear a mask?"

Ellie paused, eyes locked with Joel's, and she could tell he already knew the answer and wanted her to find it. Which was annoying-- _ just fucking say it, Joel.  _ But it hit her, all at once.

"He's from Jackson," She said at last, "Isn't he?"

Joel looked away, leaned back against the couch, thinking. 

"You wear a mask 'cause you're afraid you're gonna be recognized. 'Cause the person your attackin' might know you. I don't know any other reason to wear a mask. Do you?"

"No," She said quietly, "If he was just a random hunter, he wouldn't need to hide his face, would he?"

Joel shook his head slowly.

"So some person we fucking  _ know  _ got Dina hurt. Tried to  _ shoot  _ us. What the  _ fuck _ , Joel?!" 

"Now calm down," He urged her with a downward gesture of his hands, "Who knew you were going out there? Who'd you tell?"

But Ellie was so angry now that she could hardly even think straight. Someone she knew, someone who stood beside her in a line, walked ahead of her in the street, someone she'd probably talked to and laughed with--that person had gotten a hole punched in Dina's shoulder, had pointed a fucking  _ gun  _ at them. Had threatened to hurt them if they didn't comply. And what had he wanted? What would he have done, if they'd climbed down off those horses?

She couldn't say, but it made her gut twist into dark knots of dread.

"I don't know!" She said, flustered and preoccupied with her rage against this mystery person, this faceless asshole living there among them somewhere, "I don't remember telling anyone but Dina and Cat."

"Well, you told  _ someone _ , kid," Joel insisted, more impatient, "Who was it?"

"I swear to god, I don't fucking know. Maybe Dina or Cat told someone? I don't know. But when I find out who it is, I'll fucking  _ kill  _ them."

Joel scoffed, shook his head, "No, you won't."

"Why the hell  _ shouldn _ 't I, Joel?"

"Because you're not an  _ animal _ , Ellie, and that's not how we do things anymore. We got law and order here."

"Don't be a fucking hypocrite, Joel. Law and order? Like you give a shit about fucking  _ law  _ and fucking  _ order." _

"It's not like that any more,"He insisted, "What we did out there? What  _ I  _ did out there? It's over. Now we're gonna do things different. I'm gonna talk to Tommy and Maria, we'll find out who it is, we'll deal with it the right way."

"Yeah?" Ellie asked patronizingly, "Then you better hope you find him before  _ I  _ do."

\---

Ellie needed to check on Dina. 

There was a little voice in the back of her head reminding her just how stupid and dramatic she was being. How Dina didn't need her. Not like that. 

She would go check on Cat next, she reminded herself. That would feel more normal. Cat would make her feel better.

But it was Cat who found  _ her _ , out in the busy street. She was loaded down with several boxes full of the supplies they'd taken from the art store, and when she caught sight of Ellie, her face lit up. 

"Ellie! Do you mind? I'm taking some of this down to the school. I can't use it all--and I'm thinking about teaching a class. How cool would that be?"

Ellie took one of the crates, stuffed full of sketchbooks and pencils and other assorted art things, as Cat continued on. Ellie felt taken aback by the cavalier demeanor of the other girl. Her dark hair was pulled up in a knot, and she looked a little bruised under the eyes, but otherwise she seemed unfazed by their traumatic evening. 

"It would've been neat, being an art teacher before. In a real school. Or a college. Can you imagine? It's a shame that we lost those canvases when Japan freaked out--"

"Yeah, and Dina got thrown," Ellie interjected pointedly, "It's a shame we lost the canvases-- _ and also that Dina got hurt." _

"Oh, yeah, of course," Cat affirmed, "It's a shame Dina got hurt."

"Have you gone to see her?"

"No," Cat said stiffly, "I mean, I  _ will _ , but--she's got Jesse. How many people does one person  _ need _ , you know?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ellie asked.

"Nothing," Cat said quickly, "I just--I mean…" Cat faltered, and for the first time something dark flickered over her face, something tired and unsettled, maybe even scared, "I'm just...trying not to think about it, honestly. Trying to make myself busy. I feel terrible' y'know, for getting Dina hurt. I just got so scared, I guess..." She trailed away for a long moment, "I'm just not cut out for it. For the world out there. For all the fighting. I thought about signing up for the patrols, y'know, so maybe we could go out together sometime. But...after last night...I just don't know how you do it..." 

Ellie wasn't entirely sure what to say.

" What about you, Ellie?" She asked after a long moment, "Are you okay?"

"I…" Ellie faltered, trying to answer with honesty, even though she wasn't entirely sure what the truth was, "I'm fine. Not a top ten night, but I've had worse."

"Oh, yeah, that night was definitely...like a zero out of ten," Cat affirmed, "Let's just...never do that again."

They shared an uneasy laugh. Ellie waited a beat, until she couldn't stop herself from asking.

"By the way…" She tried to make it sound as casual as possible, "Do you remember telling anyone where we were going?"

Cat seemed to sense there was an unspoken purpose to the question. She glanced sidelong at Ellie, over top of the box in her arms, and Ellie tried to look as nonchalant as possible. 

"I don't know," Cat said slowly, "I might have mentioned it."

"To who?" Ellie demanded, maybe a little too sharply.

"Why?" Cat countered at last, "What are you trying to do?"

"Nothing," Ellie said quickly, too quickly, "I just--"

"Just going to find your way back into something horrible," Cat finished for her, "Why, Ellie? There's more to life than...than  _ blood  _ and  _ bruises  _ and  _ running.  _ More than  _ fighting." _

She stopped walking, fixed Ellie with a desperate, steady gaze.

"Teach an art class with me, Ellie. Be  _ boring  _ with me."

Ellie looked away for a long moment. But when she met Cat's eyes again, she simply asked:

"Who'd you tell, Cat?"

\--

"Holy shit, it's Ellie," Dina said as Ellie approached her bed; she pulled on the syllables in a slow, playful way.

"Wow, they gave you the good stuff, huh?" Ellie asked, dropping into the chair next to her.

"Yes," Dina nodded, "Who knew having a hole in your shoulder could hurt like such a bitch?"

"I could've made a pretty good guess," Ellie said.

"Did you tell me a joke about a fly?" Dina asked, "Last night, on the ride back?"

"Uh...it was a bee," Ellie corrected her.

"And it was like...late for a party?"

"Honestly, you're just hurting my feelings now," Ellie laughed.

"What, I was, like...really out of it," Dina said, her voice getting a little softer. She hesitated a moment before adding, "Did I...say anything weird? I bet I said something weird."

"No," Ellie said, eyes glancing downward at the quilt pulled over the bed, "I mean...you asked me a couple times, like…" Ellie hesitated, struggling with the memory, with putting it to words, "You kept asking if I was still there."

Dina looked away now, but there was still a wry twist at her lips, the kind of self-deprecating smirk that seemed like a permanent fixture there. 

"Stupid," She muttered, "I kept thinking, or imagining, or dreaming that...I don't know. That you'd left me behind. That I was still back on the ground, stuck on that root or whatever. That you were gone," She gave a mirthless sound that might have been a laugh, "Pretty dumb."

"Yeah," Ellie said, "Pretty dumb. Thinking I would just leave you behind. Really dumb, actually.  _ Super  _ dumb--"

"Okay!" Dina interjected, and her laugh was a little more lively this time, "I get it. Oh!" A look of surprise came over her face, and she turned sharply in the bed--only to wince and draw in a breath between clenched teeth.

"What is it?" Ellie asked, "What are you looking for?"

"I have something for you--in my backpack. Over there. God, I hope it doesn't have blood on it. That would be awkward."

Confused and unsure of what to expect, Ellie walked around the bed and scooped up Dina's abandoned backpack from the floor. She pulled the zipper, reached inside, drew out something rolled up tightly.

"It's the poster," Dina explained as Ellie unrolled it, "The one with the colors."

It was, indeed, the poster Ellie had spent so long staring at back inside the art store, the one with the detailed color theory graphics. The bridges of gray. 

Ellie laughed.

"It's awesome," She said, "I'm gonna put it up as soon as I get home."

"Great," Dina said, pleased, "I'll be expecting my official portrait soon."

"Let me know when you're available for a sitting," Ellie laughed again, but she knew she needed to ask soon, and she let a lull creep over them.

"Look, Dina," Ellie said, "I--"

"You're going after that masked son of a bitch, aren't you?" Dina asked instantly.

Ellie nodded.

"He was wearing a mask for a reason," Ellie went on, "Joel thinks he's from here. From Jackson."

"What the  _ fuck,"  _ Dina whispered, almost to herself, "That makes sense. I hate it, but it makes sense."

"Do you remember telling anyone? Y'know--where we were going?"

"Just Jesse," Dina said shortly, "But he couldn't hide from me even in a dozen ski masks."

"And Jesse's a good shot," Ellie affirmed, "Definitely wasn't Jesse."

"Who, then?" Dina asked.

"I dunno," Ellie said with a shrug, "But Cat says she told Alexander."

"Alexander?" Dina repeated, "He's the right build. Not great with a gun. Could be him. What are you gonna do?"

"Well, I traded a patrol route, so I'll be going out with Alexander and Ben tomorrow and...well, I'm gonna find out what he knows."

"How?" Dina scoffed, "It's not like he's just gonna come clean.  _ Yeah, it was me in the stupid ass ski mask, I attacked you, you got me." _

Ellie shrugged, her jaw tightening ever so slightly. 

"He's gonna tell me what he knows," She said flatly, "Or I'm gonna fuck him up."

  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Arm and a Leg

"So, she brought the poster back for you?" Ben asked, his mouth stuffed full of mashed potatoes.

"Yeah," Ellie said with a nonchalant shrug, "Guess she had it in her backpack the whole time."

They were leaned over a table in the dining hall; Ben had already downed a serving of meatloaf, two dinner rolls, and was making quick work of a second helping of Marjorie's famous mashed potatoes.

In contrast to his famously bottomless appetite, he was tall and lanky, with a mop of dark, carefully disheveled blond hair that was often a topic of discussion amongst the girls of Jackson. It didn't hurt that he had an easy, genuine smile and an unfailingly amiable disposition.

"That's wild," He said with a shake of his head, leaning back in his seat, "Why would she do that?"

"I don't know," Ellie said, "Because we're friends. It was nice. Just a nice thing to do."

"Nah," Ben said confidently, "That's some other kind of shit, you know? That's, like...she's paying attention. She's watching you look at this poster, and she's like... _goddamn, I wish I knew what was going on in that big, beautiful brain of hers."_

Ellie rolled her eyes but laughed, "Shut the fuck up, Ben, that's not even--no, that's not how it was."

But Ben was grinning like an idiot now.

"That's _exactly_ how it was, and you know it. _Oh, look, Ellie,"_ He put on a high-pitched voice, " _My name is Dina and here's a special item I just happened to notice you were very interested in, and also I can't stop thinking about you, you're on my mind all the time, please paint me like one of your French girls--_ OW."

She kicked him hard in the shin under the table, but he was already laughing again.

"Truce!" He held his hands up, palms out, in surrender, "No Dina-talk, I got it. So how are things with Cat?"

Ellie shrugged again, "It's fine. Things with Cat are fine."

"That bad, huh?" He gave a solemn expression.

"What? I said they were fine--"

"When people say things are _fine_ , they're never _fine._ "

Ellie sighed, "I dunno. I guess it's been kinda weird lately. Even before all this."

Ben got quiet, took another bite of his dinner as he studied Ellie with uncharacteristic seriousness.

"So you really think it was Alexander? The guy in the mask?"

"I dunno, but I'm gonna do whatever I can to find out tomorrow."

Ben chewed thoughtfully for a moment.

"And what if it is? What if he says it was him? What are you gonna do?"

Ellie paused, eyes on the rough, pitted table. She knew what Joel had said. Knew he wasn't wrong. She could see the objective truth of it. She really could. But when she thought of the masked man on the path, thought of Dina on the ground, clutching her hand in unspoken pain and fear--well, then _objective truth_ seemed like a shitty cop out, like a lot of empty bullshit. Fuck _objective truth._

"He almost got Dina killed," She said at last, "He has to pay for that." 

Ben quietly prodded a section of potatoes with his fork half-heartedly, looking uncomfortable.

"You don't have to be a part of this, Ben," She said, leaning across the table, "You can still back out. I'll understand."

He raised his eyes from his plate, met her gaze.

"No way. Someone tried to hurt you guys," He said with a shake of his head, "I wanna help. Whatever you need me to do--I'll do it."

Ellie studied him a long moment, as if weighing the steadfastness of his commitment. But then she gave a nod and leaned back in her chair. Her own plate of food still sat untouched in front of her. 

"You gonna eat that?" Ben asked, pointing his fork at her uneaten dinner.

"No," Ellie scoffed and pushed the plate toward him, "Shit, man, where do you even put all this food?"

He shrugged, "Lee says I musta been a tapeworm in a previous life."

"I didn't know Lee was the kind to believe in reincarnation," Ellie said skeptically.

"You know Lee--she believes in a little of everything," Ben gave another light shrug, "And a whole lot of nothing."

\--

The next morning, before her patrol with Ben and Alexander, Ellie went back to check on Dina again. Which still didn't make sense--Dina had Jesse, and Jesse's parents, and a long list of friends and acquaintances ready to do anything she needed of them.

That was the thing about Dina--everyone loved her, and she had a nearly preternatural ability to make friends with anyone, with everyone. Dina was the sun, a force of nature who couldn't help but draw people in through some combination of warm authenticity and immutable gravity. 

So, no, it didn't make sense, but Ellie didn't try to fight it when her feet took her to the hospital that morning. 

Maybe she was just one of the many moons in Dina's orbit--but who could resist the goddamn _sun?_

She found Jesse already outside, sitting on the steps, bathed in the thin, early morning light. The sight of him set her teeth on edge, because she knew instantly that something was terribly wrong. He sat with his head in his hands, fingers tangled in his dark, unkempt hair, eyes squeezed shut. Ellie recognized the pall of grief on him in an instant.

"What is it?" She demanded without preamble, "Jesse, what's happened?"

He looked up tiredly, pushed a hand through his hair as if it would help clear his thoughts.

"Infection," He said flatly, "The wound, it's infected. She needs antibiotics or she's gonna lose the arm. Or worse."

"We have antibiotics," Ellie insisted, "Joel just helped bring back a shit ton of penicillin--"

"Allergic," Jesse interjected, "She's allergic to penicillin. Needs something like cephalexin, or azith...azithromy-something. I don't even know how to say it, let alone _get_ it."

"Well--well, we'll send people out--" Ellie stammered. 

"I already talked to Tommy," Jesse said flatly, "There's a storm coming in, might be snow. They won't risk sending anyone out until tomorrow, at least."

Fuck.

No. No, this couldn't be right. This couldn't be real. She ran past him, up the steps, into the building, boots heavy against the wooden floor.

Ellie's heart lurched in her chest at the sight of Dina in her bed. Pale, drained, unmoving. Her shoulder was still heavily bandaged, but an angry flush of crimson had begun radiating from the wound; Ellie could see it creeping up the curve of her neck, an invading force that couldn't be stopped, couldn't be fought in any of the ways Ellie knew how to fight. It couldn't be shouted at, intimidated, shot, stabbed.

She dropped into the chair that was already getting much too familiar, buried her face in her hands. This helplessness was heavy. Too heavy. Too much. 

"Ellie?" Dina's voice was quiet and fractured.

Ellie looked up to find that Dina was awake, and even though she seemed barely able to open her eyes, she gave a faint smile.

"Where the hell have you been?" She asked, "No one around here has any good jokes. It's the worst."

Ellie didn't know what to say, because there was _too_ much to say. It was impossible to sort it out, to prioritize it. What if this was the last time she had a chance to say anything at all?

What if this was good-bye?

Ellie looked down at the floor between her canvas sneakers.

"Shit, not you, too," Dina groaned exasperatedly, "Why is everyone acting like I'm already dead?"

"Dina--"

"I'm not fucking dead, Ellie," Dina interrupted her, "This isn't even that bad."

"Dina, they're talking about...y'know…" Ellie faltered, unable to say it.

"Taking my arm, I know," Dina finished for her, "So what? Take it off. I'll get one of those wooden prosthetics Bobby Weber makes in his shop. I'll take it super literal every time you ask me for a hand. It'll be great."

And somehow, despite it all, Ellie laughed. Against her will, against everything in her. Because she knew Dina meant it. Knew Dina would absolutely find a way to make the best of the situation. 

She was the sun. 

Nothing could keep the sun down for long.

"You know I'm not gonna let you lose your arm, right?" Ellie said quietly, leaning forward to rest her elbows at the edge of Dina's bed, "I won't let that happen."

"Oh, yeah?" Dina's voice was soft but skeptical, "What's your plan, tough guy?"

"I don't know yet," Ellie admitted, "But I'm not gonna be able to take the _missing arm_ jokes, I can already tell."

"I'm sure you'll _hand_ le them just fine. See what I did there?"

"Yeah, I--"

"Get it, 'cause... _hand…"_

"See, this is what I mean, you'll be unbearable--"

They laughed quietly together, until Dina gave a heavy sigh, her eyes falling shut. Her cheeks were flushed crimson with fever, and Ellie wondered how she did it, how she kept right on being Dina, even when she had to feel like falling to pieces. 

"I'm gonna figure this out, Dina," Ellie said seriously, following a long beat of silence, "I swear."

"Okay," Dina said weakly, eyes still shut, "But until you figure out a plan, maybe you could just...stay here for a while?" For the first time, her voice gave the faintest waver, "Please."

Ben and Alexander were waiting. And Alexander might be exactly the guy who had put Dina here, who had caused all of this. For a moment, the thought almost forced Ellie to her feet, sent her running toward the gate to follow through on her plan to interrogate Alexander and exact justice. 

She couldn't fight this thing attacking Dina. But she could fight Alexander. Could use her knife to achieve a goal and win at something. It wouldn't save Dina's arm, but it was something Ellie could do, something she could understand. 

Maybe Cat's implications had been right. Maybe Ellie was only good at those kinds of things. Maybe Ellie would never be able to have a normal life, something stable and blissfully boring and blood-free. Maybe she was broken, and hurting people was all she could do.

But Dina reached out, laid her hand over Ellie's arm, and just like that--there wasn't even a decision to make.

"I'm not goin' anywhere," She promised Dina, "I'll be right here…" She paused before adding, "Within' arm's reach."

Dina, already mostly asleep, gave a faint laugh.

"Good one," She said, barely audible, "I like you."

Ellie sighed, and when she was sure Dina was finally asleep, she returned a muddled, resigned whisper:

"I like you, too."

\--

**_This journal is the property of:_ **

_Ellie Williams_

**_JOEL KEEP OUT_ **

  
  
  


**_JOEL I MEAN IT STOP FUCKING READING RIGHT NOW_ **

  
  


_**JACKSON, DAY LIKE THREE I THINK** _

_So we've been in Jackson for like three days now and it's great. And also terrible. I love it but also I hate it? There's plenty of food and I got to pick out a bunch of new clothes, including some sweet new sneakers and a pair of waterproof boots (god, I fucking hate having wet feeeeet). They gave us a house--a whole mother fucking house! Two stories! Just for us! Can you believe that shit??_

_But I'm still super freaked out by all of it. Joel and I have been sleeping in the living room even though there's, like, plenty of rooms and beds and Joel says I can have any one of them, or all of them, but...god, I guess I'm just fucking scared. That makes me sound so fucking stupid. I'm not. But what if something happens, and Joel is all the way in another room and I can't hear him calling for me??_

_I keep waking up and checking all the locks. It's the first time I've ever lived in, like, a house, a real fucking house, with real fucking locks, and I just don't trust them._

_The nightmares don't fucking help, either. I keep dreaming I'm on the bus again, on my way to the Boston QZ, only Joel is there with me and I keep thinking, "Awesome, those Boston kids aren't gonna fuck with me while Joel is around." But once I get there, Joel's gone, and all the kids are clickers, and the clickers murder the shit out of me, and I wake up screaming like an idiot._

_But Joel is always there when I wake up like that and I guess that helps._

_He's probably real sick of me following him around this place but I don't trust these guys yet and it's my job to have Joel's back. Maybe there's also some part of me that's still afraid he might try to send me to live at an orphanage or some shit. I don't even know if they've got one of those here yet, but I am not going back to a place like that ever again. I don't think Joel would do that to me. I really don't. But there's just, like, so much going on that I guess I'm just really freaked out and trying to prepare for anything. I don't fucking know._

_Anyway. I met this girl today. I've been drawing on these ration wrappers at dinner (remind me to talk about the dinners some time because it's, like, fucking delicious and you can eat as much as you want, no joke) and I guess she saw them and thought they were good or something, and she gave me this notebook to draw in. I still don't trust the kids here, because kids are fucking monsters, but she seemed okay. Her name was Cat. She asked me to come draw some of the horses with her tomorrow, down at the stables, and I was gonna say no, but then Joel stuck his big head in and said I would be there. So. Guess I have to show up._

_I'll let you know how it goes._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY EIGHT_ **

_Cat and I have been hanging out and she's pretty cool, I guess. She's working on how to make a tattoo gun. A tattoo gun! How sick is that?? I want a tattoo so much. Something to cover up The Bite, maybe._

_I have to do something about that. I can't keep it bandaged like this forever, y'know? People are gonna start asking questions, and Joel says it's best if people just don't know about it. He's probably right. About this, at least. Too bad his head is still so big._

_I ate dinner with Cat and some of her friends tonight and Joel kept looking at me across the dining hall (em-fucking-barrassing!) like he knew I was going to fuck it up. To be fair, I thought I was gonna fuck it up, too, but it was okay._

_This girl, Dina, though--she took my notebook. I was just drawing in it, minding my own goddamn business, and she took my notebook. Rude. She said she liked my drawings. I was afraid she would see the thing I'd written the other day, you know, about the The B? (Shit, I really need a better code name for that.) I guess I better rip that page out or something._

_Anyway. Even though it was rude and I was surprised, she was kinda funny, I guess. And her hair is nice. I probably seemed like a real dummy because I didn't say much. But it's weird, being around a bunch of kids again, hearing them tease each other over their, like, crushes or whatever. I don't feel like I even know what that word means anymore? Like I've spent so long just trying not to die, it seems stupid to think about something like that._

_These kids seem kinda soft, y'know. I think they're really used to being safe here. Which is kinda nice, in a way, but I don't think I can ever have much in common with any of them. I don't know where I could ever fit in._

_It's almost like the more safe I feel, the more paranoid and anxious I get. I don't know if I can make it here. I really don't._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY 15_ **

_Cat invited me to come hang out with some of the other kids tonight. Like a secret party. I don't think I've ever been to a secret party? I dunno what to expect._

_\--_

_UPDATE_

_There was lots of alcohol and weed._

_Where the fuck are they even getting weed?_

_Idk, but I'm not complaining._

_Cat sat right next to me on the couch._

_It was nice._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY 21_ **

_So I've been looking for a while and a few days ago I finally found it: some of that high grade drain cleaner shit. Y'know, with all the skulls and crossbones and shit on it, so you know it's the badass stuff with sulfuric acid or whatever._

_I wasn't even sure it would work, honestly. But HOLY SHIT did it work._

_It's not pretty, and it fucking HURT, but you can't tell there was ever anything else there._

_Mission a-fucking-ccomplished._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY 32_ **

_Went on my first group patrol today._

_There's a kid in our age group, Ben Porter, and I met his sister today--Leah. Or just, Lee, I guess. She's older, but she's a badass. She took out two runners with a brick and a fucking mannequin LEG. It was awesome. I have shit to learn from her._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY 41_ **

_Lee says I'm doing pretty well with the patrols. I've had lots of practice killing infected, so I already know I'm good at that, but thanks, Lee._

_Cat doesn't do patrols, but Ben and Jesse and Dina are all training to be patrolmen, too. Dina's pretty good at it. I would be okay patrolling with her. Ben is okay, but I think he's mostly trying to impress Lee, because he seems pretty nervous most of the time._

_I think Dina and Jesse might be a thing? Not that it matters. It's none of my fucking business. But it would make sense. They're both pretty cool. Jesse's real low key. I like that._

_Joel keeps asking if I've made any friends. Cat came over the other day and I thought he was never gonna stop asking how we were doing. I might need a little space from old big head._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY FIFTY-SOMETHING_ **

_Moved into my own space today. It's actually just the garage, but it's nice. Plenty of room for my stuff. A little bit of privacy. Falling asleep is probably gonna be hard, but I think it'll be worth it._

_I hope Joel is okay._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY ???_ **

_Lee took me out on a side trip today. I guess she likes to make extra trips in her downtime to clear out problem areas. Usually I don't like dealing with infected any more than I really have to, but it makes sense, so I said I would help._

_We'll see how it goes._

_\--_

_Lee and I camped out in this old newspaper printing place and it was honestly pretty cool. There were a couple of infected but nothing we couldn't handle, and it'll make the area safer for future patrols._

_Lee and I talked for a long time. She and Ben are from a QZ, too. Charleston QZ, in West Virginia. Lost their parents on the way here to Jackson, but she and Ben made it. She said what I've been thinking, that the other kids here, they're soft and they don't know what it's actually like out there. But Lee and I--we know._

_Lee's easy to talk to. I think we're friends._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY SOMETHING_ **

_Cat got the tattoo gun working! I'm gonna ask her to cover up the chemical burn. I think I'll let her choose the design. Anything will be better than looking at this scar every day._

_Plus, she's super cute when she's thinking about this art stuff._

_I kinda like her, I think._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY I DON'T KNOW_ **

_Dina makes me laugh._

_She and Jesse came over last night and we played some stupid board games. They're definitely a thing. Which is fine. It's fine._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY BLAH BLAH_ **

_H O L Y S H I T_

_Joel gave me the best present for my fifteenth birthday. (Oh yeah, I'm fifteen now, no biggie.)_

_He took me to this old museum with all these dinosaurs and these fucking rockets and we SAT INSIDE A MOTHER FUCKING SPACE SHIP._

_He had this tape made for me and everything and it was just…_

_God, it was fucking awesome._

_You're kinda great, old man._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY # # #_ **

_So Cat and I are dating now._

_She's so open about everything, like it doesn't even occur to her that anyone might think it's weird. Like, two girls. Together._

_I mean, it's not weird. I know that. I've seen weird. Ever seen a fucking bloater? Those things are fucking weird. You'd think with things like that walking around that people wouldn't be so wigged about who's allowed to date who._

_But I can tell that not everyone is as cool with it as Cat or her family._

_I haven't told Joel yet. Idk what he'll think._

_I don't want him to hate me._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY WHATEVER_ **

_Dina doesn't think I should get the tattoo._

_She says scars are "sexy."_

_Whatever that means._

_Probably means nothing._

_But this scar is definitely not sexy. Cat says she has an idea of what she wants to do but isn't ready to show me yet. Honestly she could tattoo Joel's giant head on there and I'd be okay with it. As long as I don't have to look at this thing anymore._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY LIKE 300 MAYBE ALMOST A YEAR I GUESS WOW_ **

_Dina changed her mind and says she likes my new tattoo._

_Which is good, because it's kinda permanent._

_It's this fern, and there's a moth, like on the guitar Joel gave me. Cat is so smart and talented and I love her._

_I mean._

_I think I love her. Do I? Shit, maybe._

_Oh, shit._

_\--_

_**JACKSON, DAY SOME KINDA NUMBER** _

_WELL JOEL KNOWS ABOUT ME AND CAT_

_Because he doesn't KNOCK._

_Fuck._

_Dina thinks this story is very funny. Says I should have locked the door and yeah I guess I should have but STILL._

_I do not think it's funny._

_JUST FUCKING KNOCK, JOEL._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY IDK_ **

_Lee said something on patrol today._

_She said she thinks I'm afraid of being alone._

_She says, "You're weird, you know? You're not soft like them, but you still need people. I don't know. People come and go, will always come and go, but the infected are forever. Gotta stop being afraid of being alone, because we're all alone in the end."_

_I told her that was a real fucking depressing way of thinking about things._

_But she's not wrong._

_I've seen people die. No one gets to go with them. Dying is lonely as fuck. When you go, you go alone. Like Riley._

_God, I couldn't even do that right. Couldn't just lose my mind at the same time as her. She was extra lonely, wasn't she._

_I hate thinking about it._

_I think I'll see if Cat wants to come over tonight._

_\--_

**_JACKSON, DAY SOMETHING IDK_ **

_Dina and Jesse broke up._

_Dina just showed up at my door in the middle of the night, crying. I don't even fucking understand what they broke up over?? It's weird because Jesse is my friend, too, and I guess I should try to figure out who was in the wrong and, like, pick a fucking side or whatever but...fuck, that seems like a lot of work._

_Plus Dina was really upset, so whatever happened, it must have been bad._

_She asked me to hold her and I did and I guess we fell asleep like that._

_I feel like an asshole, like I probably betrayed Cat and Jesse both in some way but_

_I didn't hate falling asleep next to Dina._

_It's possible I'm totally fucked. That maybe I like Dina more than she ever would--or could--like me._

_Fuck._

_\--_

_Dina and Jesse are already back together._

_Yeah, I'm completely fucked._

_\--_

**_JACKSON DAY LIKE A MILLION IDK_ **

_I was able to talk to Lee about some of this stuff. Jesse and Cat and Dina. It all sounds so stupid and trivial when I bring it up to her. Not that she makes me feel bad about it, I just know that it's all fucking stupid to worry about when I could be dead today, or tomorrow, or literally anytime at all._

_I guess Lee helps me get perspective._

_Sometimes I think I should talk to Joel about it, but that seems really fucking awkward._

_Later Lee and I had an...interesting??...conversation._

_We found this old police station and we started talking about the old world. Pre-outbreak, y'know. And she's like, "Yeah, this world is super fucked up now, but it's not all bad."_

_Of course I'm like...what the fuck are you even talking about, Lee._

_And she's like, "You know, there used to be so many rules. Where you could walk across the fucking street and where you couldn't. What time you went to work, when you came home. How much you could drink. I mean, just every fucking thing spelled out and all these lines everyone had to stay between all the time. I just don't think I could live like that."_

_And then she planted an arrow right in the eye of this stalker that had snuck up behind me, like all fucking casual. Which was kinda badass but also just weird. I'm starting to think some of the extra outings aren't for safety, y'know? It's more like...fuck, I don't know. Like a hobby for her. Like hunting infected for sport._

_Idk._

_I really don't._

_She's a little weird, but if I'm ever in a jam, I know who I'm calling._

_\--_

**_JOEL IF YOU'RE STILL READING I NEED A NEW JOURNAL CAUSE THIS ONE'S FULL THANKS_ **

\--

Ellie had almost fallen asleep there next to Dina, head resting on her folded arms at Dina's bedside--but it hit her all at once, like a speeding truck.

She stood up quietly, trying not to wake Dina up. She paused to touch Dina's hand gently.

She knew exactly where to go.

And she knew exactly who she needed to get the job done.

She had to find Lee, and fast.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Twang

Ellie raced from the hospital, crashed back into the street, into the late afternoon sunlight, feeling bewildered and yet more sure and focused than ever before. 

She'd been to Lee's house before, the little single-room cabin up on the hill, away from the rest of Jackson proper. She just hoped Lee wasn't gone on a patrol, or one of her extracurricular outings. The sun was still strong and steady overhead, but Tommy wasn't wrong--out over the mountains in the east, there was a ridge of low, dark clouds forming. Maybe just rain, which would be bad enough. But this late in the fall, it was just as likely to drop a shit ton of snow on them.

Ellie didn't care. Fuck the snow, she'd dealt with snow before. But finding someone else who didn't care, someone crazy enough to risk a snow storm in the wild--well, the only person she could think of was Lee.

Ellie took off through the street, dodging around the clopping hooves of a horse drawing a heavy wagon, through the myriad clumps and pods of tired Jackson-dwellers on their way home from a hard day's work. Someone called her name but she ignored the sound, continued pushing through the crowds. She started to duck into a narrow alley between the butcher's place and the library, when someone grabbed her sleeve, hard. 

"Ellie!" Ben said, blue eyes wide, "Where were you? What are you doing?"

"Ben--where's your sister?" Ellie demanded, ignoring his questions because she didn't have time for them, "Where's Lee?"

"My sister?" Ben repeated, nose wrinkling into a confused grimace, "What...what do you want with Lee?"

"I just need to see her, I don't have time to explain--where is she?"

"I don't--I guess maybe at her house," Ben stammered uncertainly, still clutching Ellie's sleeve, "I don't...you don't need to go there, there's no reason for you to talk to Lee--"

"What the fuck are you even--let me go, Ben," Ellie tried to shake off his grip on her sleeve, but he held on, "Why are you being so fucking weird--"

"Ellie, you have to listen to me--" He grabbed her other arm, and Ellie realized for the first time just how alarmingly tall he really was, "Lee doesn't have anything--she's not--fuck, just listen to me!"

But Ellie was  _ not _ listening; she twisted out of his grasp, started to take a few steps backwards, deeper into the escape route of the alley, just to get out of his reach.

"WHAT THE FUCK, BEN--" She started to shout at him--

And then he tried to punch her, swung a closed fist straight at her face. She couldn't pivot away from the sucker punch quickly enough; it glanced against her cheek, and a bright, blinding light flashed behind her eyes for an instant. 

She stumbled back, shocked and caught off guard, but already reaching for her knife. He lunged into the alley after her, caught her by the wrist, tried to wrap her into a crushing bear hug.

She flailed against him, her back to his chest, using every ounce of her strength to try to push that knife toward him--but his grasp on her wrist was like iron. He was strong, and there was a pulsating surge of fear in the back of her brain--but mostly, she was fucking pissed. 

"Fuck you, Ben," She told him, struggling to get enough breath to even say the words, "Have you lost your fucking mind--"

His strength faltered, his grip loosening just for a second, but that was all she needed; she stomped hard on one of his feet, and he released her reflexively. She wrenched her knife hand free and swung it for all she was worth as she lurched away from him.

There was the sound of ripping canvas, and it took a moment to realize that she hadn't gotten him--she'd slashed open the bag slung over his shoulder instead. 

He stared at her, his face wide open and blank, mouth open but unspeaking. The silence between them was broken only by the low murmur of conversation from the oblivious pedestrians just outside the alley.

"Ellie...I can explain…" He managed to mumble, "It was just...just a stupid prank…"

The contents of his bag had spilled out onto the bricks of the alley, right at his feet. A few protein bars. A worn paperback novel. And then, there on top: a revolver, and a ski mask.

"You…?" Ellie could barely form words, "It was...you?"

"I didn't mean--no one was supposed to get hurt--" He stammered; he stepped forward and tried to grab Ellie's wrists again.

She hit him as hard as she could, with everything she had; it sent a shock up through her fist, into her arm, but he staggered back, tripped over the pile of his things on the ground, hit the bricks hard.

Later, she would say she didn't remember what happened next. But that was only partially true. 

It all happened very fast, her decision to just let go. To let the rage take over and pilot her violence. She remembered hitting him the first time, how he tried to continue to talk to her, but she had no idea what he was saying. And it didn't matter. There was nothing he could say that would make her stop now.

She remembered hitting him the second time, and the third, remembered how her hands began to ache and his skin split over his cheekbone. But after that, she couldn't remember much of anything. She just kept hitting him, because there was nothing to make her stop, nothing in her that even  _ wanted  _ to stop. 

The alley rang with the soft crunch of bone and she wasn't sure if it was his face or her hands, but it didn't matter. It really didn't. 

There was peace in it, in letting go, in destroying something. The world was a dark and complicated place, but this? This was easy. All she had to do was let go. Just open the gates on that place inside her, that dark pit in her chest where all of her fear and pain and anger lived and let it all out. 

The next thing she truly remembered was someone grabbing the back of her jacket, pulling her off of Ben; like a half-feral cat, she tried to swing at this person, too, only to find that there were several people gathered there at the mouth of the alley now, staring at her with slack jaw horror. 

She stared back, trying to catch her breath. She just kept gulping down the air, trying to get her heart to slow down, trying to make it all make sense. Everything was too loud. Her hands hurt. She couldn't see. 

She wiped at her face with her sleeve, but only managed to smear more blood in her eyes. The blood dripped from her bruised fingers, made a soft little sound against the bricks and dirt underfoot. Just a quiet  _ pip-pip-pip. _

Joel was there suddenly, shaking her by the shoulders. 

"Ellie--where are you cut--Jesus, somebody get the doctor--" He barked at the gathered crowd.

"Not my blood," She mumbled to him, "Not mine."

Joel gripped the front of her jacket. Slowly, he looked over her shoulder, where several people were leaned over Ben's unresponsive form.

"Ellie…" He said, low and quiet, "Ellie--what'd you do?"

She didn't have an answer.

And for the first time in a really long time, she thought maybe she saw something like fear in his face. 

\--

Jackson had exactly one jail, and inside it there was exactly two jail cells.Violent crime was very few and far between in Jackson. Usually, these cells might hold someone who'd had a little too much to drink, but that was the most grievous kind of offender their jail really ever saw.

But today one of those cells held Ellie.

"You can't fucking keep her in there," She could hear Joel on the other side of the wall, arguing outside with Tommy, "That boy attacked them on the trail, that's the only reason she did what she did--"

"He had a ski mask and a gun--Joel, we've  _ all  _ got fuckin' ski masks and guns, for Christ's sake--"

"You know as well as I do nobody is carryin' a damn mask around in a bag--"

"Joel, I don't like it any more'n you do, but the only person who's actually hurt anyone is  _ Ellie.  _ We can't even get his side of the story on account of his face lookin' like something straight out of a goddamn nightmare. Boy can't even  _ talk,  _ Joel. Least not in any language I ever heard before."

"You're makin' a mistake, Tommy," Joel said in a low voice, "I trust Ellie. I trust her like I'd trust my own self. I'm gonna go talk to that boy and we'll see what he knows."

"Joel-- _ Joel--"  _

She heard Tommy's voice receding into the distance, knew he must have been chasing after Joel. Without their arguing, the place was painfully quiet.

She was all burnt out now, exhausted from the adrenaline. Her hands shook, the knuckles raw and bruised. She had really hurt Ben. And she couldn't decide which was worse--that she had really hurt him, had lost control and inflicted what might be irreparable damage...or that she didn't feel bad about it.

She had never been that lost before. Except maybe with David. She had hated it then, been terrified of that place in her, that empty, blank nowhere place that allowed her to do--exactly the kind of thing she had just done. 

But she didn't feel badly for hurting David. And she didn't feel badly hurting Ben, either. Or, at least, when she started to feel bad, she thought of Dina, and it helped assuage the guilt.

Maybe Ben deserved it. Maybe he didn't. But the only thing she regretted now was that she was really fucking stuck here, while Dina's condition had to be deteriorating. She thought about Ben, laying in a bed there in the hospital beside her, and it made her seethe with disgust and anger. 

What the fuck was she going to do now?

That was when she heard someone at the door of the jailhouse. She got up from the little bunk, walked to the row of bars keeping her locked in. A tall figure stepped in, and for a wild second, Ellie thought maybe it was Ben.

But Lee brushed a fresh dusting of snow from her jacket and stepped up to the bars, into the dim light. 

She was taller than Ellie, with thick, dark blond hair, like her brother; she kept it swept into a low knot at the nape of her neck. There was a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose, which made her seem younger than her eighteen years. 

"I heard about Ben--" Lee started in her Appalachian drawl.

"I don't--"

"Did he really try to attack you? On the trail the other night?"

Ellie hesitated. She had been prepared for Lee to be angry at her, but this was something else.

"Yeah," Ellie confirmed confidently.

"Fuck…" Lee sighed with surprise, "Why? Why would he do that?"

"He said it was a prank," Ellie answered, "Said he was just trying to scare us."

"Fucking stupid…" Lee shook her head, "I can't believe him."

Ellie didn't have anything else to say about Ben, so she didn't say anything at all.

"They said you were looking for me," Lee went on, "Just before the fight."

"I was," Ellie said, "Dina needs special antibiotics. When we went to that art store, it was  _ full  _ of supplies, so it's possible the area hasn't been totally wiped clean. There was a grocery store in the same strip mall. Had a pharmacy sign on the front."

"So you were hoping to sneak out, against Tommy's orders, and get to this pharmacy."

"Yeah."

"Why did you need me?"

"I got jumped by a clicker, back in the art store," Ellie explained, "There's a chance there might be a lot of infected in that grocery store."

Lee studied Ellie for a long moment, as if thinking. 

"Alright," She said, "After what my brother did, I guess I kinda owe you one. Let's go do this."

"What?" Ellie scoffed, "They've got me fucking locked up in here. I can't go anywhere."

"Oh--did I not mention?" Lee reached into a coat pocket, drew out a silver key, "I've got you covered."

\--

It was dark by the time they got to the strip mall with the grocery store, and the snow was already coming down in heavy flurries. 

Ellie had been unable to risk going back for any more gear before they left. She knew she had one shot now, one chance at getting what Dina needed. When it was all over, she would go back to jail, if they wanted, and abide by whatever punishment they wanted to give her. But right now--fuck everyone and everything that wasn't Dina, or the antibiotics Dina needed.

What had Jesse called it? Amoxicillin? No, that was a bad one for penicillin allergies. Right? She'd never been good at this medical stuff. She would have to just grab whatever they could find and hope for the fucking best.

They went around to the back of the store, hoping for an easy entrance, and Ellie's heart dropped. A car had slammed into the back wall, leaving a huge hole. They wanted an easy entrance, but not  _ that  _ easy. The likelihood that anything useful was left inside began to plummet. 

But there was no turning back now.

Ellie climbed over the hood of the car, underneath the fringe of shattered brickwork, and into the dark store.

She couldn't see very far in front of her. The darkness was so absolute that it seemed to swallow up the beam of her flashlight, seemed to push in oppressively against her eyes. She crouched down, listening hard for the sound of any movement.

Lee was close beside her, an arrow already nocked and partially drawn in her bow. 

When she was satisfied that nothing was moving nearby, Ellie moved further into the store. There were enormous shelves completely overturned and covered in thick, almost gelatinous dust. Most of the edible stuff was gone. They weren't here for that, for food, but it still made Ellie's chest a little tighter. This place had been picked over. What were the chances that there was still any form of medication left in the pharmacy? Let alone the specific kind that Dina needed?

The circle of Ellie's flashlight caught something, and Ellie paused.

"Pharmacy," She whispered to Lee, pointing up at the sign overhead, "This way."

There was a counter in the back, not different from many of the other pharmacies she'd encountered over the years. But beyond the counter, her flashlight gleamed against a layer of thick glass.

"Looks like the drugs are locked in," Lee affirmed, holding up her flashlight as they got closer, "Shit. Look at that--spores."

They both reached for their masks at the same time.

Ellie put her face as close to the glass as she could, given the addition of the mask, and tried to see what might be left. 

The shelves inside were still packed with small, plastic containers and capsules, boxes and trays of medications. She had concerns about the spores, about their effect on whatever might be in there, but she had to get a better look.

"I'm going in," She whispered to Lee.

In the center of the wall was a door. She expected it to be locked, but it opened without much of a fight, swinging silently out toward them. 

"I'll keep an eye out," Lee promised, posting up by the door, "Be quick. Something ain't right."

Ellie slipped into the cramped little area and immediately began scanning the shelves, stepping over the long, twisting vines of fungal growth along the floor, like stiff plates of human flesh. The back wall was a writhing mess of the stuff, thick with sprouting mushrooms and carpets of sick, pink moss. 

Something had been dead in here for a while.

When she got to the antibiotics section, she opened her backpack and began stuffing everything she could reach into it. Every single kind, every single bottle. 

She kneeled down to shove everything further into the bag and zip it up.

And that was when she realized what her brain had been trying to tell her for several minutes.

The wall.

It was breathing.

In, and out. 

In and out. 

She froze. 

She could see it now, the massive, bulging shape of the Bloater, plastered to the wall in a web of damp fungi. 

"Fuck," She whispered to herself.

The wall groaned, and then shivered. It began to crack along the lines of those fungal plates, pulling and breaking away from its spongy nest.

She tried to run, but she had to stop and shoulder the backpack on, and that's all the time it needed to plant one massive foot firmly on the ground, sending a shockwave through the rows of pharmaceuticals in the room. And then it was free, lurching toward her in all its oozing, mossy glory, hunched almost double in the tiny room. 

It stuck out a plated, scabbed hand and grabbed a handful of her coat. She had forgotten how fast they could move, for something so big. 

Fuck.

With a guttural, bone-deep roar, it flung her against the glass,  _ through  _ the glass, and she landed hard on the concrete floor outside, all the wind driven straight out of her lungs. She coughed and gasped for a breath, but the air wouldn't come. 

The spores were pouring out of the little drug cage now, and the Bloater was doing all it could to try to shoulder its way through the too-small door and get to them. 

From somewhere in the darkness, a stalker screeched. There were more here, awakened now by the noise of the giant fucker trying so hard to escape and beat them to death. 

Ellie rolled onto her hands and knees, feeling the glass cut into her palms.

There was the  _ twang  _ of a loosed arrow, and then, all at once--an inferno erupted near the thick, plated neck of the Bloater struggling with the door. It backed up, screeching, clawing at the flaming arrow embedded in its spongy flesh. 

It retreated and fell into the shelves inside, which also caught flame. 

More screeching from somewhere in the dark.

"Ellie," Lee said, kneeling down next to her; she was bathed in shifting, flickering light from the blazing Bloater, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Ellie gasped hoarsely, "Lets just get the fuck out of here."

When they were back in the safety of the open air, Ellie reached up to take off her mask. She realized with horror that a hole was shattered in the front. Had Lee seen it? Maybe, in the dark, it hadn't been visible. Maybe.

Ellie ripped the mask off and stuffed it into a bag on her saddle. Lee seemed unaware, or uninterested. 

\--

When they had been riding back toward Jackson for a few minutes, Lee finally spoke up from behind her.

"So...did you get what you needed?" She asked, "To help Dina, I mean?"

"I think so," Ellie said, "I fucking hope so. We'll see when we get back."

"Goddamn," Lee sighed, "Went head to head with a fucking Bloater for her. That's some kinda real shit, huh?"

"To be fair...I didn't know the Bloater was there until it was too late," Ellie confessed.

"Still. Would you have done it for Cat? You guys are still dating, right?"

"Yeah, we're dating," Ellie said, "And yeah, I would've done whatever I could to help Cat."

"So you love her?" Lee asked, "Like--true blue, fuckin' soul mate level love her?"

"I don't…I mean…" Ellie stammered, "I don't think I even believe in soul mates. Why are you so worried about my love life, Lee?"

"I dunno," Lee said with a shrug, "I just find it interesting. You're like me, y'know, how I don't think either of us woulda done real well in the old world. Couldn't have lived under all those rules and shit, cause the fight is too important. But then you're also--y'know, able to fall in love and all that shit? I just think it's funny, is all."

"You mean you've never fallen in love, Lee? Not with anyone?"

"I dunno. I mean, fucking is great," She gave a sardonic laugh, "But--I've never exactly wanted anyone to hang out afterward, y'know?

"Maybe you just haven't met the right person," Ellie offered helpfully.

"Yeah…'cause, going on statistics, he's probably already got fungi sprouting outta his goddamn eyes."

Ellie couldn't really argue with that, so she didn't try.

"What would you do," Lee asked, "If Dina didn't make it?"

Ellie was quiet.

Logically, she knew the answer. She would do what she'd done after every loss she'd experienced so far: she'd go on. There weren't any other options. You just kept on living. 

And yet, some other part of her wondered: would there be a life to live, if the sun went out?

And it hit her all at once, just how much she meant it she thought of Dina as  _ the sun.  _ She had never thought of Cat that way. Which was an ugly realization, a thing she didn't want to look at--unfair and inconvenient but wholly, fully true. 

Somewhere deep down, she knew that when all of this was over, she would have to have a conversation with Cat. 

But for now, she just had to get back to Jackson.

\--

Within an hour, the snow was nearly knee-high, and the cold was seeping under her coat, sticking to her skin. When they breached the last hilltop and saw Jackson glowing in the valley below, she felt a deep, refreshing wave of relief. 

She was probably going to have to go back to jail, but at least the cell was heated, and Dina would get what she needed.

Ellie dropped out of the saddle and grabbed Shimmer's reins; the inclines were steep here, and the snow made them even more treacherous.

Behind her, Lee got to the ground, too.

"Almost there," Ellie said, looking out over the white field of snow nestled around Jackson's walls in the dark, "I can't believe we fucking did it. I--"

There was a sudden, peculiar sound.

_ Twang. _

Ellie felt an impact in her left shoulder. 

A creeping sense of horror and confusion began to seep into her brain. She didn't want to look down, but she did, because she had to. 

There was a tear in the front of her jacket, just below her clavicle. White, downy stuffing was falling out. She reached down in a mixture of disbelief and fear.

It was the head of an arrow, punched through the front of her jacket. 

"Lee?" The word fell out of her mouth in a single, wavering syllable.

And then the world went black.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Home

It's raining outside. It's pattering against the windows of Ellie's room in a low, calm rhythm. A slow, soothing _pip pip pip._

It's probably cold out there, she guesses, but she's wrapped in her favorite hooded sweatshirt, curled up on top of her bed. Next to Dina.

Next to Dina?

Dina, easy and relaxed against the pillow next to her, saying something Ellie can't quite hear, or understand; it's as if she's listening from underwater. But that's alright. It's nice, just to watch her talk. Just to watch her like this, comfortable and close and calm. Nice just to be here.

Dina has her hand, she realizes. The sleeve of Ellie's sweater is pulled up and Dina is tracing the lines tattooed there along her forearm, the curling green leaves on the fern, the curving wings of the moth. 

Ellie feels calm and empty, empty in the best way. Empty like there's nothing left to be mad about. Like there's nothing left to worry over. Like everything's gonna be just fine.

"Are you okay?" Dina asks, and Ellie can understand the words this time.

"Yeah," Ellie says, "I'm really okay."

"Is _this_ okay?" Dina asks, a little softer, and there's a deep sense of concern in her dark eyes.

"This...this is okay," Ellie says quietly, "This is really okay. Dina, I…wait..." She hesitates, and a cold chill sweeps over her.

"I think…" She starts to say haltingly, "I think Lee shot me."

"Oh, shit," Dina says, concerned, "Are you dead?"

"I don't think so. I don't know. She shot me with a fucking _arrow_."

"That's fucking wild, man," Dina shakes her head, "When are you gonna wake up?"

"I dunno, she hit me over the head with something. What the _fuck_ . Dina, I have to get those antibiotics to you. I _have_ to."

"Or you could just stay here a while," Dina says, "Don't leave me yet, Ellie."

"I…" Ellie hesitates, "I don't think--"

_TWANG._

Ellie was sent crashing back into consciousness by a screaming, searing pain in her left leg. 

"FUCK," She tried to reach down, purely out of reflex, but found her hands were bound together in front of her, wrapped in black duct tape. 

There was a dull, cutting pain throbbing in her head and there was a fuzzy, disorienting halo around all the shapes in her field of vision. But it wasn't hard to make out the new arrow, buried in her leg just above the knee. 

"Oh, good...you're awake," Lee kneeled down in front of her, bow still in hand, "Let's talk."

"Fuck you!" Ellie spat, "You fucking psycho--you fucking _shot me--"_

"I did," Lee admitted off-handedly, "But you've got this, like--crazy kinda focus, y'know? Like you just don't _stop_ , and I couldn't let you get back to Jackson without some answers. Y'know?"

"No, I don't fucking _know,_ what the fuck--" Ellie pulled against the bindings on her hands, tried to kick out with her feet--but the movement sent shockwaves of pain up her leg, " _Fuck._ Joel is gonna find you and fucking _kill_ you, you psychotic bitch--"

Lee sat down in the snow in front of Ellie, clearly unbothered by all of Ellie's thrashing and threats.

"Your dad, right?" Lee asked, as if they were having a light conversation over tea, "Well, not your _real_ dad. But your dad. How did that happen? How did you two end up like this?"

"I don't even...fuck, I don't even know what the fuck that means…" Ellie was feeling the cold now, and the exhaustion; the front of her jacket was washed in blood.

"I'm just trying to _understand_ ," Lee went on, "Because I _know_ you're like me. I know it. I know you feel the same thing, that same…" Lee paused, thinking, "That feeling like everyone else is from another planet, y'know? I've felt it my whole life. Like I don't understand them. They're emotions. The way they talk to each other. How they make it look easy. I don't get it."

"You tied me up and shot me--clearly, we are not the fucking same!"

"Well...look what you did to Ben," Lee said, quiet and pointed now.

"He attacked us!" 

"Did he? Did he do anything at all, except be fucking stupid and unlucky?"

Ellie stared back at her, unflinching.

"He has this crush on you, you know. He wanted you to notice him so fucking badly," Lee gave a derisive laugh, "I told him about how there used to he those firemen, right, who would _set fires_ , just so they could show up and be the hero. Clearly, he really ran with the concept, huh?"

There was blood dripping from Ellie's chin, falling into her lap in a steady, constant rhythm. Her heart hammered in her ears.

"I didn't think he'd actually do it, but--holy shit, am I glad he did. This is the most excitement I've had in years."

"We could have killed him," Ellie said, baffled, "Shot him dead. Not knowing it was him."

Lee shrugged.

"Everybody's gotta go sometime. We're all alone in the end."

"He's your _brother."_

"I don't really need him anymore. He's kind of a drag. Not a whole lot in the smarts department, y'know?"

"God, you are...like, really fuckin' crazy, huh?"

"See? This is what I mean, though--" Lee stood up, and there was a bizarrely pleasant sort of mania about her, "I know I'm _supposed_ to feel partial to him--but I fuckin' don't. I think about him, and I feel absolutely nothing. He was fine, back when we were trying to make it to Jackson, y'know. He was small and cute and I knew people'd wanna help us more if I had him around. Otherwise I mighta just left him in a fuckin' gorge somewhere 'cause he dragged me way down. And that's not right, is it? Is it, Ellie?"

"No, it's fucked up," Ellie assured her exhaustedly.

"And that's what I'm sayin'. I know you and I, we ain't all that different. I've seen you. I've seen that look on your face when you're fuckin' up a runner. When your life is right there on the wire, and there's that one second where things could tip in either direction and you could be fucking _dead._ That's the moment, isn't it? That's the moment we're really, truly, totally _alive._ When we push things back over the wire, when get that knife right under and a chin and just-- _bam."_

"I don't _like_ fighting infected, if that's what you're saying. I don't like being out there."

"Ellie…" She dropped back down into the snow, shaking her head, as if scolding a stubborn child, "Oh, Ellie. It's not just _fighting._ You like hurting things. Like me. You don't have to lie to _me_ about it."

"I _don't--"_

"You didn't enjoy hitting Ben? Tell me there wasn't a part of you that loved it. Loved _destroying_ for the sake of it."

Ellie faltered. 

"I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. This world needs people like us. How long do you think someone like _Cat_ would make it without people like us? Think she could have her little art classes, draw her pretty pictures, hide inside her walls if there weren't people like us?"

Ellie didn't argue, and Lee leaned forward.

"What I don't get, what I don't understand, is why you get to be different. Why you get to have more than I do."

"I don't have fuck all," Ellie assured her, "Why are you doing this? We were _friends--"_

"We weren't. That's the problem. I don't think I can have friends. I think that certain part of me is just...fucked. So why is that _I'm_ fucked, but you? You get to be a fucking _monster,_ and yet still have all these...meaningful connections and shit."

"I'm really fucking sorry," Ellie's words were harder and harder to form, each syllable sliding into the next, "For...fucking existing? I don't know what you want from me…"

"Tell me about Dina," Lee says, resting her chin in her hands, like friends gossiping at a slumber party, "Explain that to me."

"Fuck off," Ellie closed her eyes, tried to think of anything but the pain that seemed to be hammering her from every direction, anything but the fucking sociopath who was definitely going to murder her at any second, "Dina is my friend. Dina…" 

"Blood loss starting to get to you, huh?" Lee clicked her tongue, "Stay with me here. I need you to really tell me about her."

"I said _fuck off--"_

"Tell me about her, and I'll make sure she gets the antibiotics. I'll be honest, I've got no idea which one of us is gonna walk away here, but if it's me--I'll walk the antibiotics straight into Jackson. Swear."

Ellie, eyes closed, head still throbbing, tried to pull in a deep breath. She exhaled in a trembling cloud of vapor.

"Dina…" She said quietly, picturing the girl in her head. Not the way she was in the hospital, but the way she looked sitting on Ellie's couch. The way she rolled her eyes at every bad joke, but still laughed. Always laughed.

"Dina makes me feel like I'm _home,"_ Ellie said, and it sounded strange, hearing it out loud for the first time like this, "Every time I see her, it's like...I've been gone a long, long time, even when I haven't gone fucking anywhere at all. It's like I've been gone my whole life and finally, _finally..._ I'm home."

"All that?" Lee asked, "You feel _all that_ every day? God...that sounds fucking exhausting…" She paused, thinking, "I'm still kinda jealous. I don't think that's somethin' I'm ever gonna be able to get."

"God, please just fuckin' kill me," Ellie groaned, "I can _not_ listen to any more of this…"

Lee laughed, but got surprisingly quiet. Ellie opened her eyes enough to see the other girl sitting cross-legged in the snow, her eyes focused on some distant point.

"I think I'm just tired, Ellie," She said, and for the first time, she sounded incredibly human, "I wake up every day and there's just...there's nothing. There's nothing here, inside me. No excitement, no pain, no dread, no fear, no longing or hope or happiness. I'm like a radio that plays nothin' but static. No matter how you turn the dials, try to fix the antenna, it's just...white noise. It's been white noise for so long and I guess something just finally had to give. I think I'm fuckin' broken, Ellie…"

Lee gave a confused, pained smile, and Ellie could see her eyes gleaming in the dim light of the moon.

"And I don't know if this world did it, broke me, or if I woulda been like this no matter what. Do you think I ever had a chance, Ellie? A real chance?"

And for a moment, Ellie almost understood.

"I don't know, Lee," She said quietly, "I really don't." 

A long moment passed, a single, silent second of some kind of knowing.

"I saw the mask," Lee said at last, "Hole busted in it. You were breathing spores. You're infected."

Ellie stiffened.

"But you're not dying."

Ellie gave a faint shake of her head.

"Same," Lee laughed and pulled off her glove, held her hand up to the light, where there was a row of deep, purple ruts, bruised and bleeding.

"Except for the _not dying_ part, I'm guessing," She added wryly. 

"How--"

"Stalker, back at the grocery store. Sneaky little bastards. Wasn't part of the plan, but...it's probably for the best. I can't take any more of this static. I ain't got any place here. I ain't got any place anywhere."

Lee pulled her glove back on. From somewhere behind them on the trail, out in the dense darkness, an agonized screech ripped through the night.

Infected.

Lee stood up slowly, picked up her bow. She'd heard the sound, but she didn't seem to be in a hurry.

"Some of us...we're just animals, Ellie. Maybe if you live like an animal...then you gotta die like an animal, too."

Her gaze locked with Ellie's, but Ellie didn't know what to say. Didn't know if there was anything to say at all. Was Lee about to put an arrow in her neck? About to finish what she'd started--take them both out in a bizarre, dying delirium?

But Lee turned, walked away into the darkness, toward the sputtering screams of the infected.

Ellie immediately turned over, onto her knees, and began scrambling for something sharp with which to cut her bindings. Every movement was agony, but she couldn't afford to stop. 

"Fuck, _fuck,"_ She murmured in a heavy stream, searching the ground, looking even for a sharp rock.

She could hear more infected, the heavy sound of fighting, running feet. They were getting closer. 

She took a deep, steadying breath and lifted her hands, bound tight with duct tape. 

God, this was going to fucking suck.

She gave a low, grinding noise of agony between clenched teeth as she pulled the tape across one of the sharp edges of the arrow sticking from the front of her jacket.

There was a kind of pain that wrapped around her entire brain, squeezed it tight in a vice grip, made her feel like she was fucking definitely going to pass out and end up dead right here in the snow just outside of Jackson.

But mercifully, the duct tape gave way, split along the line she'd been trying to saw into it, and she was free. Immediately, without a second thought, she reached down and snapped off the bulk of the arrow in her knee. She reached back to make sure the backpack was still there on her shoulders, still heavy with the rattling of the medication she needed. It was.

She took off down the sloping incline and immediately fell, as her leg refused to bear any weight. She tumbled, head over heels, and then forced herself up. 

She couldn't stop. Not now. Not with the infected and Lee still at her back. Not with Jackson so close. 

She pushed on, sticky with a mixture of blood and sweat and snow, unable to think about anything except her own feet, except the simple action of taking one more step. Just one more. Just another one. Almost there.

Almost there.

\--

When she woke up, it was to find Dina hovering over her.

"Hey, look at us," She said, "Switching things up like this."

Ellie looked around, confused.

She was back in the hospital, but this time _she_ was in a bed, and Dina was in a chair beside her.

"Gotta...keep things fresh…" Ellie mumbled, still disoriented, "What the fuck happened?"

"Well, you've been asleep for two days. They found you laying half-frozen, like, two hundred yards from the gates, looking like hell."

"Yeah. Well. _You_ look a lot better," Ellie gave the smallest of grins.

"Do I?" Dina asked, "That's probably because of the absolute _fuck ton_ of antibiotics someone brought in."

"Yeah? Wow. Sounds like a great person, a real hero, I'd love to meet 'em."

"Hero--or escaped fugitive?" Dina asked skeptically.

"I mean...the line is a little unclear, but--I just think it sounds like they really wanted to get those antibiotics to Jackson."

Dina leaned her elbows against Ellie's bedside, rested her head in her hands, the better to fix Ellie's bruised, pummeled face with a steady gaze.

"Sounds like an idiot who almost got herself killed for no good reason," Dina said softly.

"I think she had a really good reason," Ellie assured her in a voice barely above a whisper.

The silence stretched and swelled between them and something felt different. Something felt more honest and unfettered and Ellie was pretty sure it was the way she had finally said it loud, what she'd been thinking, the feeling she'd been chasing between them without really knowing it. And maybe it wasn't time to put that on Dina yet, to say it to her--but at least Ellie knew. Really, really knew.

And that thought made Ellie remember.

"Where's Lee?" She asked, sitting up; she immediately regretted this decision as her head began to swim.

"She…" Dina started uncertainly, "They found her in the woods. It looked like she'd fought off some infected but...she was bitten. They think...they think she ended it on her own, rather than come back to Jackson with a bite."

Ellie laid back against the pillow. Fuck.

"Ellie…you had arrows in you. What happened out there? With Lee?"

Ellie looked away, struggling to find words for something she didn't think she even totally understood yet. Might never understand.

Or maybe, even worse, something she understood all too well.

So in the absence of words, she simply shrugged.

And immediately winced in pain.

"Yeah, buddy, you're gonna have to find a different way to convey your vague, mysterious responses for a while. No more Ellie Shrugs."

"You're funny," Ellie said with a roll of her eyes, "I like you."

"Yeah…" Dina said, reaching up to push a tangle of dark, auburn hair away from Ellie's eyes, "I like you, too."

END.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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